KRISTINA: At the moment, I am trying to choose what is important to me, what are the values of our family and how to communicate them to others. Now I’m reading a book about it and the answer has come, and with that came relief that it can be done. It’s hard for me to get along with people, I’m closed-minded. But through conversations and voicing, the answers come to me.
In childhood, no one in our family talked about feelings. My parents created a family as they understood. To finish your education, get married, everything had to be arranged, everything had to be clear. And now you ask yourself “what do I want” and “what do I not want”. I think a lot, it is difficult to distinguish where is my desire and where is the influence of the environment and society.
After the wedding, I felt that the next step was children. And I ask myself – do I really want them, what can I give them, what can they give me. How should it be reconciled with what I have now. Something will have to be given up. It will be difficult to give up my work and creativity. There will be so many things that I can’t even imagine. I think a lot. This is a very big change and a lifelong project. Children are the most important decision in life. So that later it would not be like “oh, I’m trying, but I don’t like it”. I feel a great responsibility before taking this step. It is very difficult for me to make decisions, but I would like to make a decision in the near future.
There was a period of sadness – that maybe I’m already losing the opportunity to experience it, and with sadness comes reconciliation. If I have enough love to share it, we can adopt a child or raise a puppy. After all, I don’t have to do it just to put a check mark. If I choose not to have children, it will be difficult to explain to those around me and draw my own boundaries. With some people I will definitely need to do it. And it’s hard for me to draw boundaries.
